Once upon a failed story
by Teamunfocused
Summary: Once upon a time, there was a handsome prince trapped in a tower by a terrifying dragon. Bah, I'm too lazy to think of the rest. Put those weapons down Wolf, Falco, Everyone. This is the story of two brave idiots trying to rescue the prince. Rated T for heavy use of swearing. Shounen ai
1. Chapter 1: Go to hell!

I do not own Starfox or any of its characters

Once upon... a failed story

Chapter 1 Go to hell!

* * *

"Hey chicken wings, hurry the fuck up." Wolf O'Donnell the Knight looked over his shoulder armor to glare at his party member.

"Shut your trap one eye, I'm walking as fast as I can." Falco Lombardi the mage snapped back as he kept his eyes on the broken compass in his hand while trying to repair it with a screwdriver.

"Grr..." Wolf growled lowly and tapped his boots on the ground impatiently.

"How long do we have to walk before we get to the castle?"

"Hmm, probably as long as the list of bullshit you lie your ass off every time we end up with no money." Falco frowned as he walked by his party member.

"Stop being a smartass and get us there already." Wolf clicked his tongue in irritation.

"Maybe if you'd stop complaining fuckface, I might be able to fix the compass faster." Falco stopped to face Wolf.

The two exchanged sparking glares. Silence drew from the two as they mentally attacked the other.

"Go to hell!" They declare in unison before treading further into the forest.

* * *

A/N: Sorry that the chapter was short but we planned to make each chapter of this fanfic resemble something like a comic strip. Each chapter, hopefully, a hilarious clusterfuck of our heroes arguing and fighting.


	2. Chapter 2: Is it done yet?

I do not own Starfox or any of its characters

Once upon... a failed story

Chapter 2 Is it done yet?

* * *

"Is it done yet? Wolf looked at the sky with his arms stretched behind his head.

"No." Falco dismantled and reassembled the compass for the 5th time but the arrow continued to point down.

"Is it done yet?" Wolf yawned freely and licked his dry maw.

"Fuck off." Falco growled lowly

"Is it done ye-?"

"What the fuck do you think?!" Falco lift his head to glare as he shouted.

"I think your shit at using magic." Wolf looked over his shoulder armor while scratching his ear and sticking out his tongue with half opened eyes.

"You want to start something?!" Falco summoned his magic staff from the air and pointed it at the spiteful lupine.

"Thanks but I'll pass." Wolf rolled his eyes and began to slow his speed to match Falco's pace.

"If you can't back your shit up then keep it the fuck down." Falco swung his staff back which disappeared with a flash.

"Whatever. Is the compass done yet?"

"Grrraahh!" Falco screamed like a maniac causing Wolf to grimace and back jump in surprise.

"Then why don't you try fixing the damn thing?" Falco turned and hurled the small trinket at the knight. Wolf caught and opened the compass before frowning at the unresponsive arrow and gears.

"You know what? Fuck the compass. I'll find the castle myself." Wolf closed the compass and tossed it behind him before marching past bushes.

"It's a tower Jackass." Falco grumbled as he crouched to pick the small trinket.

"Ah, I found it." Wolf softly said, irking Falco to turn around.

"What are you on abo-" Falco trudged over to Wolf and poked his head through the bush. His eyes widened to the size of dinner plates and stretched out of his sockets much like Wolf's did as they saw a grand castle instead of a tower.

"The fuck? How di- How did we not see that?! All we did was walk straight from the town so how the hell did we miss this?!." Falco stared with a dumbfound expression before collecting himself and squawking at how surreal their situation was.

"Told you I'd find the castle." Wolf regained his sense of mind and smirked at his victory.

"Shut up." Falco grumbled.


	3. Chapter 3: Charge!

I do not own Starfox or any of its characters

Once upon... a failed story

Chapter 3 Charge!

* * *

"So what's the plan?" Falco asked as he summoned his scepter from thin air.

"Charge!" Wolf howled out loud and jumped out of the bushes. He gave his mighty war cry as he sprinted forward with a sword in one hand and a shield in the other.

Falco sat on his levitating scepter from his hiding spot and watched as his party member ran towards the castle without realizing that he had no mage to back him up.

"Wait. What are those things on the hills?" Falco murmured to himself as he squinted his eyes to focus his sight onto the distance at the small flashing bumps on the ground.

"Are they-" Just as the mage leaned forward an explosion interrupted him, confirming his suspicion. He watched as the foolish knight set off one explosion after the other until the

blast threw his smoked fried body into a pond.

"Oh my god..." Falco stood up from his position. He looked up to the sky and smirked before fully applauding.

"You do exist. Bless you." The mage brought his hands together to pray while ignoring the drowning knight splashing and beckoning for help in the background.

* * *

"So, the plan?" Falco asked after rescuing and using his magic to heal the knight. His magic illuminated the lupine with a green aura while bruises and cuts disappeared from sight.

"Fuck the plan. Charge!" Wolf pushed himself back up and raced back to the tower again.

"10... 11... 12..." Falco sat on his scepter once more and counted as he watched the lupine zig-zag his way through the mine field.

"23... 24... 25... twenty si-" Falco's count was abruptly stopped when the knight disappeared from his sight. He searched left and right but saw nothing. Wolf had disappeared.

Suddenly, a big yowl emerged from above causing Falco to raise his head. A heavy suit of armor and set of weapons crashed into him.

The impact of the fall caused dust and dirt to create a cloud. Falco squeezed his head out, from the monstrous weight crushing his body, and wheezed for air before desperately crawling out.

"EW FERKING ETARD!" Falco turned his body around, revealing his beak bending downwards, and kicked the armor with his dirty boot. He groaned in pain and pushed himself up with his scepter but accidentally tripped himself in the process.

'I'm gonna kill that son of a bitch!' Falco slammed a fist against the ground while growling through the dirt in his face.


	4. Chapter 4: This is war

I do not own Starfox or any of its characters

Once upon... a failed story

Chapter 4: This is war

* * *

The mage leaned his back against a tree and forcefully bent (yank to be exact) his beak back to normal.

"OOWWWW!" Falco yelled out loud while Wolf rested on his back unconscious. The mage opened his clenched eyes and glared deeply at the sleeping knight. He reached to his side and raised his sceptre.

"Rapid torrents wash away all corruption bound to this land." The mage chanted as he waved his sceptre in the air creating a magic circle. A similar circle appeared above the knight.

"Flood!" Falco swung his arm down and unleashed a large volume of water onto Wolf, who jolted awake and began to drown. The lupine gurgled under the liquid as the endless waterfall splashed across his laying body.

"Pfft! *cough* *cough* *cough* Dick... *cough* Dick move... *cough* Trying to drown me? *cough* You fucker!" Wolf sat his body straight up a coughed out all the water he consumed before glaring back and barking at the mage.

"How much do you weigh fat-ass?! You flattened me under your armour and almost destroyed both my spine and beak! Watch where you fall next time you fucking retard!" Falco shrieked and hopped to his feet before kicking and stomping the muddy ground in frustration.

"How the hell am I suppose to control the way I fall?! I'm a knight! I'm not going to wave a frickin' stick and shoot pussy-ass magic like you do. I fight with a sword like a real man!" Wolf stood up and shouted out in rage as he raised his broken sword and pointed at it. A vein popped on Falco's head as his eye subconsciously twitched.

"Don't make fun of magic..." Falco gritted his teeth together and gripped tightly with both hands on the sceptre.

"Make me." Wolf stepped forward easily towering over his party member. He roughly shoved the mage back with his hands before quickly giving him a second push.

"Come on. Make me!" The lupine taunted as his physical strength forced the avian to fall onto the thick mud under them. Falco had enough. This is war.

"Fly!" Falco whacked his sceptre off the mud before a blue aura surrounded and lifted him off the earth and into the air.


	5. Chapter 5: Falco VS Wolf Part 1

I do not own Starfox or any of its characters

Once upon... a failed story

Chapter 5: Falco VS Wolf Part 1

* * *

"Come on! Give me your best shot so I can tear you a new one!" Wolf yelled as he watched the mage hover in the air. Falco held his staff in front of him and chanted quietly.

"Fucking useless..." Wolf muttered to himself while he looked around himself for something to use against the avian. He crouched down and picked up a pebble.

Tossing it in the air a few times, the knight pitched the small rock at the mage. Falco narrowed eyes into a glare and simply hovered aside.

A vein popped on Wolf's face as he growled in annoyance before sprinting across the fields collecting more pebbles. He stopped when he had an armful and proceeded to pelt Falco with pieces of the earth.

The avian dodged left and right as he ascended his body out of the pebble's range, which got Wolf more worked up and frustrated.

"Storming in like a forceful river. Gather the water of repent!" Water from around the area rushed up and formed into a large ball hovering above Falco. Wolf reached to his sides and drew out daggers from their holders.

"Flow!" Falco called out as he swung his sceptre back and pointed at the knight. Streams of water from the ball poured our and flew across the air like ribbons.

Wolf jumped back when the element swiped for him like a whip. He brought his daggers up and cut the sentient liquid in half but watched in shock when it reformed as if it was not affected. More streams came and surrounded the knight.

Falco smirked at his party member trying to cut down an element. The streams of water mimicked the actions and path with him as he waved his weapon. Wolf jabbed his dagger into the stream and pulled but his arm was trapped within water, forming a tall pillar that reached high into the sky.

"Thunder charge!" Sparks of electricity emerged from the head of Falco's sceptre as pops and cracks of thunder could be heard. Wolf slashed and kicked the pillar of water but all his attempts merely swam through the water.

The knight raised his head and ceased his struggles when he saw the sparks and streaks of blue lightning form on the mage's weapon. He had only a single word repeated across his mind.

"Fuck!"


	6. Chapter 6: Falco VS Wolf Part 2

I do not own Starfox or any of its characters

Once upon... a failed story

Chapter 6: Falco VS Wolf Part 2

* * *

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." Wolf muttered to himself as he dug his boots into the ground and pulled with all his strength on his arm that was trapped within the water pillar. The lightning emanating from Falco's sceptre highlighted the dark features of his hideous grin while he laughed maniacally.

"Fucking let go of me already!" Wolf growled at the water before swiping his daggers at it again only to have it pass through. Falco laughed even harder as he flew closer to the pillar. The knight pulled but slipped in the process.

"God damn it." He muttered to himself. When he pushed himself up, he stopped with a light bulb glowing above his head. The knight stood up and glared at the pillar before diving his head in. He then proceeded to quickly drink from the pillar of water.

"Ha! You think that'll work? Prepared to eat lightning!" Falco flew faster towards the pillar while swinging his sceptre back. Wolf pulled his head out and coughed to gasp for air before diving it back in.

"Azure Thunderbolt!" Falco swung his weapon forward and struck into the pillar, sending volts of electricity surging down and connecting with the knight. Wolf yelped and leapt into the air before shakily screaming in a high pitch while silhouettes of his skeletal figure disappeared and reappeared from the flashes of lightning electrifying him.

A hiss came when all was silent and a crispy Wolf was laying face down on the ground. Falco breathed heavily and floated down as his fingers twitched around his sceptre.

"Not so smug now aren't you, fucking dog." Falco huffed when he landed on the ground. Wolf immediately opened his eyes and bolted right up to lunge forward at the Mage. Falco jumped in surprise and tried to step back but Wolf quickly swung his fist to aim for his face.

The clenched ball of rage was stopped by the barrier Falco had created for self defence but the power behind the punch shattered the wall and knocked across the mage's face. The party members both fell to the ground, out of breath and stamina.

"Sorry." Falco managed to speak through his, once again, bent beak.

"Mhe mhy ru." Wolf mumbled against the dirt.

"Truce?" Falco lifted his arm up into the air as did the knight's.

"Mmhce." The canis bumped his fist against his party member's.


	7. Chapter 7: We have a plan

I do not own Starfox or any of its characters

Once upon... a failed story

Chapter 7: We have a plan

* * *

After the fight our heroes had together, they managed to regain their strength and heal themselves with Falco's magic before setting up camp to rest for the night. It is now morning and they have both just eaten breakfast before resuming their quest to save the prince.

"Alright. I have a plan." Falco smirked as he looked down at his drawings in the dirt.

"Charge!" Wolf pulled out his sword and howled, preparing to jump out from their camp.

"No! Enough of that! You already had your chances and failed. Badly." Falco waved his sceptre and created a barrier so Wolf would crash into it.

"Fine." The knight grumbled while he rubbed his nose.

"Earlier I used the binoculars to do some scouting. I saw an open window we could go into. It's about 2 floors high so I think you could... Pay attention for one god damn second." Falco pointed out to the open window by the castle's far left side. He turned around to his party member and rolled his eyes when Wolf was cleaning his armour.

"I was listening. Flank left, jump through the window, kill dragon, save the prince, take back to kingdom. Profit." Wolf smirked at the last part as he imagined what he could do with the large sum of money they earned. 'Drink all the booze I want at the clubs and hit it up with some sexy bitches.' The knight began giggling to himself as the clean armour shined a reflection of his perverted blushing face.

"Let's just go already." Falco held his breath and gave a deep sigh when he knew there wasn't anything to gain from arguing with his party member again.


	8. Chapter 8: Shut up and listen

I do not own Starfox or any of its characters

Once upon... a failed story

Chapter 8: Shut up and listen

* * *

"Ready?" Falco asked as he placed his hand over the knight's shoulder.

"Get on with it." Wolf groaned and looked over his shoulder to see the mage holding his sceptre close to his chest.

"With every light comes a new darkness. Distort all we perceive as reality and bring shadow to us all. Black Prism." Falco chanted and casted his spell causing his sceptre to shake violently in his hand. Fog drifted down from the mage's weapon and enveloped the duo in an outline of a prism. Wolf looked down to his hands and saw that they were beginning to fade away.

"Do all mages need to make long ass speeches like those?" Wolf turned his head back to Falco and whined. The mage turned invisible in the knight's eyes but he could still feel him holding his shoulder.

"Shut up and listen. I won't be able to run so I'm going to trust you to guide me across that mine field since I need absolute concentration just to hold this spell. Your only invisible now because I have physical contact with you." "Blah blah blah. Kill the dragon and get money, got it. Lets go already" Falco glared at the lupine as he was rudely interrupted by his impatience.

Our heroes then walked off to the fields. Stopping and proceeding from time to time while they avoided stepping on the explosives.

"Why do we need to hide turn invisible?" Wolf asked as he turned left to right to evade their demise.

"While you ran off to the mine fields shouting like an jackass, I looked back to the castle and saw someone watching you from a window." Falco whispered as he followed the knight like a shadow.

"What?!" Wolf barked out in surprise.

"Quiet down you idiot." Falco pushed the lupine's face to turn forward.

"Why didn't you tell me that a creepy ass stalker was watching me?" Wolf whispered back with irritation.

"First of all, that's not a stalker it's a guard so get your fucking facts right. Second, what would be the point in telling you if you don't even listen? Seriously. And your sudden bursts adrenaline aren't really helping. Don't get me started with your ambition either. Your goal to get this quest finished as quick as possible and find a town to get laid in is absurd. Keep your fucking pants on you freaking preve-"

"We're here." Wolf suddenly stopped causing Falco to bump into him. Falco released Wolf's shoulder breaking their camouflage. The knight turned around to face his party member before slapping him across the face.

"What the hell was that for?!" Falco squawked and grabbed before shaking the lupine by his tattered lavender scarf.

"That was for making me listen to your ranting. Now lift me up to the window." Wolf smirked to himself as he pushed the avian's arms off of him. Falco grumbled quietly to himself before raising his sceptre and tapping beside the knight's boots.

"Fly." Falco chanted and a magic circle appeared under Wolf. The mage slowly raised his wand with both hands which caused the knight to hover slightly above the ground.


End file.
